Smile
by Anduria Trianys
Summary: After Exit Wounds. John may have left Jack, but he knew he would never forget him. So he makes him a promise. Jack/John, hinted references to Jack/Ianto. Song-fic to 'Smile' by Lonestar.


Smile

_I still remember the night we met.  
You said you loved my smile. _

Actually, those hadn't been the exact words that had passed between them on the mist-filled fifty-first century night when the two Time Agents had met. Jack had walked up to his younger counterpart, sizing him up, those confident blue eyes travelling down John's smaller and slimmer body. He had studied him. And then, just when John had begun to feel like a lab rat, Jack had sniffed a bit and said, "You've got brighter teeth than the moon itself."

But the way his eyes danced had said more than a thousand words to the younger and more rebellious Time Agent. The spark was kindled.

_  
But your love for me was like a summer breeze.  
Oh it lasted for a while. _

Thinking back on it, John wasn't really sure if Jack had ever loved him that way. Yes, they had shared some amazing times, especially in the two weeks – no, five years, it had only felt like two weeks – that they had been stuck in that time loop together. And, when they hadn't been fighting, Jack had treated him well; there was no doubt about that.

It had started off as a way to pass time together, once they had realised that there was no one else around. They both said it would never happen again; that mixing business with pleasure never turned out well. But deep down, John knew; the spark was burning, and burning too bright to be ignored. And he knew that Jack knew it too.

The passion and the lust had always been there and even some care and, if anyone had looked deep enough, a strong friendship.

But the love of a partner? No…that hadn't been there and, deep down, John had suspected it all along. He had just never wanted to admit it.

_  
I could hold on a little tighter I know.  
But when you love someone gotta let'em go._

So I'm gonna smile.  
'Cause I wanna make you happy  
Laugh…  
So you can't see me cry.  
I'm gonna let you go in style.  
And even if it kills me  
I'm gonna smile. 

"My whole life I was looking for him. Now I have to lose him all over again."

John could feel himself shiver at the lost tone of the man who had once stood by him with such pride. The bright blue in his eyes had faded to something almost imperceptible. His spirit was broken, something that, for so long, had seemed impossible. And that scared John more than anything.

Perhaps it was this that made his voice so cynical.

"You cryo-freeze him and then what? Wake him up in a hundred years and he's miraculously better; 'cos that's not gonna happen. Maybe killing him would be the release he needs."

"There has been enough death." The words shot through the silent room like an arrow to the heart; simple, but so full of pain and truth.

"You didn't struggle; when I buried you; like you were…allowing it."

"It was my penance."__

Kiss me once for the good times, baby.  
Kiss me twice for good bye.

The moment Jack walked into that bar, locking eyes with him for the first time in centuries, John found himself hating him as much as he loved him. He hated how, with one look, the man could hold such control over him. He hated how that one fiery kiss could send so many memories rushing through him, sending him back there. And he hated how the dreams fell around him, shattering like glass bottles.

The second kiss was so soft and – dare he say it – chaste, it almost didn't feel like a kiss at all. Instead, it really did feel like someone was saying goodbye.

Slowly, he had realised that he had been saying that – he had been saying goodbye to what he had shared with Jack. Those old days, as amazing as they had been, could never come back – Jack had someone new now; he had seen it almost as soon as he had seen them in the same room. And if that hadn't been enough, then Ianto Jones' ferocity down in the cells had more than confirmed it. Hearing that all-too-real threat being made had scared him more than he would have admitted to anyone, not only because he knew that the man was more than capable of going through with it, but because he knew that Jack would not hesitate to do it had he been the one captured instead of Ianto.

_  
You can't help how you don't feel.  
And it doesn't matter why.  
Give me a chance to bow out gracefully,  
'Cause that's how I want you to remember me.  
_

John liked to think of himself as being rather unforgettable in more ways than one – the bedroom department being one of them – but he hoped that Jack remembered him for more than that. He wanted him to remember everything, even their fights. He wanted Jack to remember him as more than just one of his many conquests. He wanted to be remembered as something more – but what? A lover? A friend? A colleague? A confidante – if only for a while?

If he was honest, he wasn't even sure he knew.

_  
I'm gonna smile.  
'Cause I want to make you happy  
Laugh…  
So you can't see me cry  
I'm gonna let you go in style.  
And even if it kills me  
I'm gonna smile. _

"It's not your fault."

There was an awful pause before Jack spoke again; a pause that said more than a thousand words ever could. But John wasn't startled by the change of subject when the words finally came.

"Need help with those Rift predictions?"

In fact, if anything, the new turn of conversation made him feel a hundred times better.

"All of this planet I haven't seen. You like it so much; I thought I might take a look. Maybe see you around."

He started to walk away, but at the last minute he turned back and lightly stroked his lips over the skin on Jack's face, his cool façade finally beginning to crumble as, for the first time in their entire conversation, his voice shook a little.

"I'm sorry," he said, "for your losses."

As he made his way up the steps from the autopsy bay, he chanced a last look behind him. Jack was stood exactly where he had left him, his eyes focused on something that neither of them seemed able to see. But when he looked back again a few moments later, the older man had started to move again, starting to turn towards the jobs in hand. His body language seemed calmer and more focused, but John knew that, if anyone looked at him, _really _looked at him, they would see how tired and old he really was. All anyone had to do was look deep enough into those beautiful eyes and they would see the damage that had been done all too clearly.

As he stepped out of the Hub, John knew that he wouldn't add to that.

_  
I'm gonna smile so you can find the courage.  
Laugh…  
so you won't see me hurtin'  
I'm gonna let you go in style…_

As, even with his eyes closed, he faced the city that he had almost destroyed, watching the golden flare of the Rift slowly begin to envelope him, John felt himself focusing on the water tower shining beneath him and shivering as if he could feel a pair of blue eyes burning into his soul. He could almost see the intensity of the gaze as if the other man was right in front of him. Suddenly, his own eyes snapped open…but the space before him was empty, except for the shimmers of gold surrounding him.

And yet, deep down…he no longer felt that emptiness that had been gnawing at his heart for so long. He had realised now that he didn't belong here and that he never really would. But that was all right. He'd finally managed to make his peace with that. It had taken time and come at a terrible cost, but he had done it.

He tore his eyes away from the water tower and finally gave himself up to wherever the Rift would take him. And, as he did so, he made a promise to Jack – one that he knew the other man would never know about, but one that had been crying out to him for far too long.

_"Even if it kills me, _

_I'm gonna smile."_

And he did.


End file.
